Twilight Scrapbook of Memories
by tookkia
Summary: Something entirely new! The beginning of a long collection of short letters,journals, and other random 'funnies' our beloved Twilight characters may have experienced. No specific order, just for fun. R
1. Love, Emmett

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I've decided to start something new, a series of short letters/journals from different characters of the Twilight Saga. Many of these will be just for fun, several 'what if' stories, and other drabbles. Review if you like :) Remember this is mainly for entertainment purposes, so of course I do not own any of Stephanie Meyer's work, solely the little plots, little oddities, and little randomness that will undoubtedly surface within the next several years.

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What if Emmett decided to take things into his own hands when Edward refuses to go hunting with them one Saturday evening? Here's a letter I happened to find for such an occasion, enjoy!

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_Dear Edward,_

_When you read this I will probably be long gone. Just remember that this is for your own good, and even more importantly, for MY sanity…Oh, yeah, and Jasper's as well._

_Now before you jump to any conclusions and go insane, Bella and Nessie are both completely safe. And by completely safe I mean, of course, 'GET OVER IT AND RELAX, EDWARD!' just so we're clear. We're heading out to the bordering woods of Canada, you know, the ones where nomads like to drift into? Oh, Nessie says hi by the way. You should see her, all dressed up in her cute little hiking boots and little pink dress. I bet you could spot her a mile away, especially since there's hardly any humans around here. Bella would be outraged, no doubt, but Jasper had the most brilliant plan! Don't worry, she'll find her way back home eventually. Damn, I know she's not a newborn anymore, but carrying her over there was hard! Though I bet it was probably harder for Seth to carry me back…anyway, if she's not home by the time you're reading this, you might want to head out towards North Dakota. We figured if she knew we were bringing Nessie along in a nomad-friendly area she might try to stop us. We couldn't have that now could we?_

_Anyway, considering you probably want to find your daughter first, you'll find the next letter in Richmond. And dude, I'd hurry if I were you, Nessie's going to be getting sleepy around now, and Jazz and I need to hunt. I think she'll be safe by herself for a while, don't you?_

_Love,_

_Emmett_

_P.S. Don't think we won't leave her hidden in some tree, Edward. The bears over here are huge!_

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**I'm open to any ideas for future segments, so feel free to ask if you have anything in mind )**

**Review please :)**


	2. Be  Nice

**This next letter was inspired from anonymous reviewer ****Wolfheart91210. I tweaked it a bit from what you suggested, but I think it gets the main points across lol. Enjoy!**

Ten year old Renesmee has volunteered one of her 'older siblings' to chaperone for the class school trip. Bella already has plans with Charlie, which leaves daddy prey to what's to come. Don't worry, Edward, Bella has left notes for both you and Nessie.

_Edward dearest,_

_First and foremost, remember that even though our daughter is only ten she is still inhumanly beautiful. I'm going to say this several times, Edward: be nice. Don't mind the little boys in her class, particularly Teddy Hamilton. I don't need a gift like yours to know what that little boy wants, as young as he is…be nice. There are about four girls who I'm sure are nothing short of extremely jealous of our little prodigal beauty, but don't worry, Nessie treats them respectfully and politely. In either case, you may hear some pretty ugly things; I've seen the way they look at her. They are just human, however, and kids at that, so again, be nice._

_Alice has already picked out her wardrobe for the day's events. Everything is in her purple backpack. Make sure you grab the purple one; the pink one is for this weekend's slumber party, mix them up and Nessie will have your head on a platter. Oh and yes, before I forget, don't freak out with the red bathing suit, it's really not that bad considering the stringy things Rosalie tried putting on her, plus Nessie really likes it. It was either this two piece or the flimsy one-piece Rose chose; be grateful Nessie chose the prior. You know our daughter, Edward, so just trust me on this one: be nice, and don't make a scene. _

_You may be wondering why I've been shielding our daughter the past couple of weeks. The truth is, Nessie's been experiencing stomach cramps lately and Carlisle told me it's very likely she may start menstruating soon…I take it you'll understand why this might be something you didn't know about. Don't make it awkward for her if today happens to be the day. We've already talked and she'll know what to do. I know you can't help not listening but TRY to stay out of her head for once. It will make your life easier as well…I hate seeing you stress over trivialities. Nevertheless—oh and don't forget, Nessie's lunch is in the freezer. I marinated it just before I left but you know how Nessie gets; you might want to pour on some more blood as a precaution when you take it out, it will keep it juicier. Nessie is beyond attacking any humans, but the pool IS close to the woods; I wouldn't put it past her to have a midday snack so you'll have to keep an eye on her. She's smart, it could be a split decision and you won't even know what hit you._

_And last but most importantly: DON'T SMOTHER HER! She knows you love her, we know you love her, the entire world knows you love her, but Nessie's getting to be a big girl and she would hate having her 'older brother' constantly holding her hand and telling her what to do and what not to do…but of course, you already know that. So just keep a safe distance, I'm sure even you can handle that—seriously Edward, be nice. Take care of our daughter. _

_Love,_

_Bella_

_..._

_Dear Nessie,_

_Hello my darling, I know you're excited about today's trip, and I'm so sorry Jake couldn't be the one to go. The fact of the matter is, he looks nothing like you and the school just wouldn't allow it. Daddy will take good care of you and your friends, though, and don't you worry; I already lectured him to be nice. Just in case, however, try not to be too friendly with the boys, especially Teddy Hamilton; you would probably give daddy another aneurism. Daddy will be able to listen to your thoughts so remember to hide anything you don't want him knowing…or anything you know will freak him out. I know, I know, daddy can be so silly sometimes, but we love him, right?_

_And Renesmee, don't you dare sneak out for another midday snack. You took longer than you thought last time and Mrs. Applewood actually became suspicious, so never again. I'm having Edward marinate your steak extra bloody this time, right before you all leave, so that should be more than enough. I mean it young lady, be nice. Have fun my little nudger!_

_Love,_

_Bella_

**Wolfheart91210, I hope I did your idea justice lol.**

**Review please :)**


	3. Training, Emmett Style

**Here's one for all you Emmett&Rosalie lovers, enjoy!**

We all know how avid of a sex life Emmett and Rosalie have, so where do they get new ideas from? I wondered the same thing so I snuck up on Emmett last week and happened to find an interesting excerpt he was reading. He left his notes on the side for our reading enjoyment heehee. The weird thing is, however, this was no karma sutra book, it was some kind of training thing. Hmmm…This is it, let's see what the latest rift is, shall we?

**Note: the **_**italics**_** is the excerpt, the non-italics are Emmett's notes.**

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_TRAINING: PAIR WARM-UPS_

_Leg Stretches_

"… _After placing your partner's left leg straight into the air without bending, press slowly against it as far back as it can go towards your partner's chest…"_

Push leg back up to Rose's head

behind Rose's head …

"… _Lean gently into the leg, urging it farther back with each successive day until it reaches close to your partner's head. Do this with the right leg as well."_

Both legs at the same time! Oh yeah …

"_Have your partner sit with their legs stretched out open as horizontally as possible …"_

Make Rose do a split.

"_Sitting in the same position, place your left foot against your partner's right foot, and your right foot against their left."_

Ha! Try legs together all the way, oh yeah, I could go for that kind of contact.

_Arm Stretches_

"_Person A will pull arms back as far as possible, whilst person B will hold them there…"_

Hmmm, how about I use some sort of leverage instead … like Rose's twins!

"_The hand-stand approach will strengthen various muscles, including …"_

Have Rose do hand stand and split in the air at the same time. If I stand just right over … oh we are definitely trying that!

_Abdomen Exercises_

"_Whilst laying flat on the floor, place hands beneath buttocks and …"_

Scratch abdomen exercises, too easy and typical.

Note to self: Hide notes from Rose.

(Unfortunately for Emmett, we weren't the only ones who found these notes…)

"Hey, babe, so I was thinking tonight we could—"

"Do some pair warm-ups together?"

Emmett grinned. "Hey, yeah, how did you—oh, I see."

Rosalie smiled smugly and brought out a lighter, the folded paper turning to ash within seconds. Emmett immediately jumped forward.

"No, wait! It was just for fun, I—aw crap."

But Rosalie had other things in mind. With a quick flick—

Emmett's mouth dropped, his lusting eyes following her now bare heaving bosom. "Oh, Rose, babe, you make me feel so—"

"Shut up and get undressed."

"Yes, ma'am."

(Fourteen hours later)

Rosalie turned a raised eyebrow in her husband's direction. Emmett was speechless.

"Next time you want to do something 'fun'," she simmered, rising smoothly out of the king-size bed, "all you have to do is ask."

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**And there you have it, the true genius behind the ultimate moves, Mrs. Rosalie Hale.**

**Rosalie, we applaud you!**


	4. Laxatives

**Ok, so my boyfriend doesn't really like Twilight much. In fact, I think Edward and Jacob are the main reasons. This being the case, he gave me the funniest idea: write something where Edward gives Jacob a laxative.**

**I know what you're thinking: WHAT?**

**Lol, so here it is, I hope I did it justice.**

**Warning: mentioning of the word 'stool', 'poop' and anything T-rated synonymous may be utilized.**

**Of course I do not own any of Stephanie Meyer's work, solely the twisted little thing that turned out here.**

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_Loosens stool—_

Quick eyes scanned further down the label on the small box.

_Can lead to intestinal paralysis—_

The accompanying eyebrows furrowed.

_Irritable bowel syndrome—_

A small sigh escaped his perfect lips.

_Renal failure—_

He ran smooth fingers through tousled hair in a habitual human gesture.

_Diarrhea, dehydration, constipation—_

"Dammit." Edward finally uttered aloud. The more he thought about it now, the more he regretted it. _Why, oh why would I listen to Emmett? _

_To Emmett!_

As if reading his mind—ironic much?—the tall, burly vampire entered the room with a broad grin etched across the contours of his face.

Edward groaned. "Emmett, you realize Nessie's going to be really upset if she finds out about this."

Emmett gave him a sly grin. "She doesn't have to find out." _Though it would be for an interesting show …_

"Emmett." Edward growled.

Emmett sighed and rolled his eyes. "Fine, fine. I won't say a word." He whirled around and came within inches of Edward's face, like an eager four year-old begging for early Christmas presents. "Have you heard anything yet?"

Edward frowned. "Well he hasn't called to cancel if that's what you—"

"No! I mean, his thoughts!"

Edward had the decency to look away ashamedly. "Actually he's on his way here right now. In quite a hurry …"

Emmett burst out laughing. "Yes! Five hundred bucks says he won't make it on time!"

"Emmett, that's not funny. Nessie's going to be horrified if he—"

"Poops himself!"

"Emmett, shut up, someone might hear!" Edward hissed, his eyes darting towards his daughter's room upstairs.

Another set of howls filled the empty sitting room, Emmett collapsing onto the sofa heavily. The weight was too much and suddenly—

_CRASH!_

The sofa tipped over, Emmett too engrossed in the latest scandal to even bother jumping out before he rolled out the back and hit the staircase banister.

Edward's face landed into his palms when the sweet voice of his beautiful daughter suddenly filled the high ceiling room.

"What happened? I heard a noi—Emmett, are you ok?"

Emmett continued to laugh, his laughter getting louder and louder. Just then the door flew open, and flying in even faster—

"Jake! I'm—"

"Not-now-Nessie-have-to-go-to-the-bathroom-to-vomit!"

Nessie looked confused, casting Edward a questioning gaze. Edward avoided meeting it, looking around instead for the sprinting-about-to-crap-his-pants-wolf.

_He's not going to make it … Oh shit, no!_

But he was too late. Nessie was already within two steps of the bathroom door, her face scrunched into one of worry. She reached for the handle, a hurried 'Jake, are you alright? Do you need a towel or something?' out of her mouth, her loose hair cascading over her shoulders.

_Humiliated! She's going to walk in on Jacob using the restroom and then she's going to hate me for doing that to him!_

The handle turned. The loudest fart noise erupted and echoed into the hallway, resounding like a trumpet fanfare in an empty coliseum, glorious. Nessie screamed. Jacob screamed. Edward was too late.

"Oh no, Nessie, I'm so sorry you had to see that, I—"

And then suddenly her thoughts—her real thoughts—invaded Edward's mind.

She fell against the floor laughing. The bathroom door opened, revealing a tall, muscled, and otherwise non-diarrhea-inflicted shapeshifter.

Edward narrowed his eyes at the same time that Jacob helped his imprint off the floor.

Jacob laughed. "Come on, Edward. I would've thought you were smarter than that. Laxatives have no effect on us. Our system burns it out too quickly."

Nessie had no words, she was too busy laughing, though in her mind what Edward heard was: _Man, you should have seen your face, daddy! Hahahahaha, so funny! I'm getting good at controlling my thoughts, huh? I wonder how much Jake and I can get away with now …_

Edward stomped away and up the stairs.

"Bye daddy!"

"Later, Edward!"

But Edward blocked them out. Instead he jumped out the window and set out to look for Bella. The only thing that could possibly make today decent was mind-blowing sex.

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**Ok, short and to the point lol. Though I do think I might do a longer rendition of this sometime in an actual oneshot. Hahaha! Edward got served! Silly vampire, wolves don't get constipated … Review please! **


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